Friday, October 10, 2014

Social Anxiety


. . Today I had a panic attack . . 

So I thought I'd take this opportunity to share my story and my experiences with anxiety.
I've dealt with anxiety since middle school but it has gotten worst over the years.
It started in middle school when kids would bully me for the way I dressed... 
So I began to develop social anxiety & I would feel scared and anxious arriving to school everyday. 
I was fearful of them judging me and criticizing me so I stopped dressing for myself and
I started dressing for them... I became a follower.
It continued throughout high school and even in college. 
When I began my journey on Youtube I thought everything would be fine because I 
didn't have an audience and no one was watching me or judging me,
but the more viewers I got, the more hate comments I received. 
It brought me back to my middle school years and my anxiety returned. 

Being on Youtube I have had the amazing opportunity to work with brands, companies
and even attend/host special events. It all seems so glamorous but many people don't know
that it takes a lot of courage to accept these opportunities because of my anxiety. 
When I attend events I easily get overwhelmed by the amount of people there.
I start to feel really hot, sweaty, claustrophobic, and rushed.
The idea of walking up to a crowd of people scares the crap out of me.

One year I went to Vidcon alone (bad idea) and I ended up leaving after 30 minutes
because I felt so alone and lost in a sea of people, even when I found familiar faces, 
I still felt so helpless and I just couldn't take it anymore and I went home and cried.

Sometimes I will lie and come up with excuses just to avoid attending events or
business opportunities because I'm too scared. This is a side I don't like showing people,
but I've realized that I'm not alone. There are a lot of people who feel the same way I do.

That encourages me to step out of my comfort zone and do bigger things with my life.
and you want to know a secret... most of the things we worry about, never even happen.

Although I'm actively trying to live a positive anxiety-free life, I still have my days
and it's okay... because tomorrow is a new day; a fresh new start and I'm going 
to take advantage of that opportunity to start over again and make it the best that I can.

Anxiety may try to control my life, and when it does I'll just take big deep breaths
and remember that life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

For those of you suffering with anxiety, I hope my story encourages you to step
out of your comfort zone. Just because you've identified that you have anxiety
doesn't mean it's something that you just have to live with for the rest of your life.
It means it's a new obstacle that you must overcome in order to experience life. 
I love you all so much and I wish you the best of luck!

xo Jackie

20 comments:

  1. Hey thanks for sharing your story. I know how social anxiety feels & have been down that road before---it's really hard & it's really hard to get back to being you again. So hugs xx

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    1. Anxiety is never fun, but it's good to know there are others who can relate. It makes the journey that much easier :)

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  2. thank for sharing,
    i also have a social anxiety but where i live, no one really knows something like that exists.
    they say "being a bit nervous is normal" but it is far worse than just being nervous.
    most People here never felt such a anxiety and can't understand it.
    i still try to overcome my fear, even if it's not easy.

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    1. It's really hard to explain it to someone who has never experienced it. Both my dad & Johnny have never experienced anxiety so whenever I tell them I'm feeling anxious or something they just tell me to get over it and it's honestly not that simple, but talking to others who can relate definitely helps. I'm always here for you <3

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  3. So relatable! "Most of the things we worry about, never even happen" is so true, I love it. I often think and worry bout these really horrible things possibly happening and in the end, it's all in my head. It's almost as if we create our own problems and they take control of us when we're the cause of them. Glad you're over-coming it. We all should (:

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  4. You are an inspiration Jackie. Keep it up. Godbless

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